emotional intelligence

Ex Marks the Spot


It was another Saturday night, but unlike most Saturdays, I had made plans to meet with a world renowned pickup artist to meet at a restaurant lounge so that he could teach me how to improve my social skills with business associates and women. I figured as a man of business the anxiety I feel when I approached potential customers, and potential romantic connections should be dealt with for my own personal growth.

Luckily I knew one of the top pickup artists in the world because of our connection through Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I asked if he would be willing to recommend a book, workshop, or course I could take to improve my social skills because I deeply cared about making new connections for my business and personal life. As luck would have it, he told me that I could meet up with him for the next couple weeks on the weekend so he could mentor me and let me absorb game through observation and education.


The night started off as I expected. I met up with him and his entourage, made some solid connections and observed as the story of the night unfolded. I watched his high energy and natural, but perfected, technique and charisma attract a variety of people, most of which were females. He tactically entranced his targets and brought them to his table. He used his charm to seduce and excite the people around him. Although everything seemed natural and unplanned, he educated me on how everything was a planned out game to produce value to achieve the results he desired. He was the puppeteer, not the puppet.

He brought different groups of females to his section, and I watched as he dealt with resistance and power plays by individual women to undervalue his presence. After teaching me how to address, handle, and offset negative reactions, we went on our way to my old stomping grounds, a bar I had just recently quit to pursue my dreams of becoming a self-sufficient and financially independent entrepreneur.

When we arrived, as fate or good/bad luck would have it, the only table available was one next to my recently broken up with ex-girlfriend, a semi-famous beautiful IG model. I had just broken up with her a little over a month ago because of complications that didn't align with my goals and values as an entrepreneur.


It was super awkward, but I did the polite thing and exchanged an incredibly awkward hug and almost forced conversation. The tension was evident and could easily be sensed by everyone in the group. I did my best to keep my composure and act like nothing was bothering me.

As the night progressed, I expressed my concerns with my mentor and told him about the predicament I was facing. This conversation turned out to be a very educational moment. I told him how I wanted to be a mature adult who could handle and compose himself in these type of situations. I wanted to be a man who could and would not let this kind of awkward energy effect me. I asked him what I should do in this predicament, and he gave me some advice that I deeply resonated with me.

He said it's inevitable to avoid situations like this. That I would encounter this when others resisted, fought, and presented negative vibes. But although it's unavoidable, I still I had a choice. I could resist this unwanted energy, but all that would do is create a state of tension and paralyze my positive, uplifting energy, which at that very moment was noticeably evident in my demeanor.

His advice was to stop resisting and fighting the unwanted feeling and instead acknowledge it, take a step back and look at in third person perspective. 

"Hmm... this is interesting, this is how I feel huh? Is this what anxiety feels like?" 

When we fight against these feelings, we create tension, and this tension becomes more noticeable the harder we resist. We waste precious mental energy and narrow our vision. It becomes harder to see the entire scope of things because our attention is fixated on one small minute detail.

The second step is to look at the feeling objectively. The goal is to look at it in third person point of view to separate yourself from the situation and gain a fresh perspective. This idea instantly reminded me of what I do in meditation when thoughts pop up. 

"Oh, Kaivon's anxious. That's interesting; I wonder why he is feeling this way? If he's not careful, this could affect his personal relationships."

When we become curious about our feelings, we don't leave much room for other ones to butt in. It's hard to be anxious when you're in a curious state. The fresh perspective you create in the third person point of view also creates separation from you and the feeling. Instead of it being YOUR feeling, it becomes a fleeting feeling that is only stopping by to visit before it's on it's way to some other poor fellow.

The third step is to offset the negative energy and then let it go. The only way to do this is to acknowledge, observe, accept, and release the unwanted energy. This part, although easy to explain, is the hardest part of the execution. 

"I acknowledge that I'm feeling anxious and I'm curious to why it decided to show up today. I accept this feeling for what it is and now shift my focus to one of gratefulness for being able to experience a broad range of emotions."

I had to stop trying to avoid and resist the awkwardness and instead accept and embrace it. When done correctly it creates a powerful shift of energy from one of resistance to one of curiosity. When you're curious, you can learn from the moment rather than suffer through it. And yes, pain in this life is inevitable, it comes with the territory, but suffering, on the other hand, is entirely optional. It's a choice we consciously choose to make. We can opt to suffer, or we can decide to see the opportunity for growth and become curious instead.

It reminded me of other parts of my life where I encountered resistance. It has never been of service to me to think this way. It only limits your growth and creates an energetic roadblock which becomes harder and harder to jump over and overcome the more we resist and fight. 


The lesson I took away from this small but powerful talk was two-fold.

One, it's impossible to know what's going to happen and appear in your life at any given moment. This Saturday was my first time going out and drinking in over 40 days, and it happened to be the one time I had seen my ex in those 40 days too. I can't make this stuff up. Problems will arrive and present themselves in your life. They're unavoidable and are a part of how the story of your life will unfold. To try to predict the outcome of every situation would make life boring and it's moments like these that provide the spice of life. Without this chance meeting, I wouldn't have found the inspiration to write this blog post, so I'm grateful for this experience rather than annoyed by it.

Secondly, your reaction and your energy are completely under your control. You can decide to resist and create tension, or you can accept the situation for what it is in a curious way and see the opportunity to learn from it. I love this philosophy. Once you stop resisting the story you can start to re-direct the next scene of your life, rather than letting life or fate choose the next step for you. You can either suffer or grow. Personally, I'd rather grow and become a better man instead of becoming a paralyzed and bitter fool.

In the end, it's just best to stop resisting and become curious instead. Life is a beautiful masterpiece, and we are painting the brush strokes to our imperfectly perfect mosaic in each and every moment. I wonder which painting will be more beautiful? The one that fights against the world or the one that accepts the world for what it is and sees the beauty in each and every moment. I guess it's all up to you and your philosophy. So what do you have to lose?

-Coach K